Poetry Pajama Friday: Kill Your Darlings 4

Hello, Writerly Friends.

It's Poetry Friday! Irene at Live Your Poem has invited us to sit on her virtual coach, hang out, and talk poetry today.

There's room for everyone at the Poetry Friday Party.
This couch at www.indulgy.com

Remember Jack Strong, from yesterday's book review, JACK STRONG TAKES A STAND? The kid was so over-scheduled, he staged a sit-in on his living room couch.

I know many educators and their students don't just suffer from over-scheduled "free time" after school. With requirements such as the Common Core, state mandated testing, and adequate yearly progress, the school day itself can feel like racing on a treadmill.

That's why everyone loves special school days so much.

One year, I was poet in residence at an elementary school where everyone, EVERYone could talk of nothing but the upcoming Holiday Meal. You know, that mouth-watering day in November when the cafeteria serves turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy. Just thinking about Holiday Meal was bliss-inducing. Why? It was barely better than a Swanson's TV dinner. But Holiday Meal only came once a year. It was a delicious break from the usual pizza, bagel and yogurt, or beef tacos.

My most beloved Swanson meal had
a tiny chocolate cake. Mmmm.

When my children were in elementary school, one of their favorite annual events was Pajama Day. This day of coziness usually  happened on Read Across America Day. There were books, there were slippers. Lovies and stuffed tigers and tiny satin pillows were packed into backpacks for school. Children spent much of the day snuggled up on bean bag chairs reading. For FUN.

My son loved it so much that one time, when I was room mom at my daughter's pre-school, I staged a toddler version Pajama Day. That was pretty freaking cute and awesome.

Writerly Friends, I have a Kill Your Darlings problem that is not awesome at all.

I wrote a Pajama Day poem for my MG novel-in-verse, THE LAST FIFTH GRADE OF EMERSON ELEMENTARY. It is cute as all get-out. And I think it have to cut it.

I wrote "Pajama Day" for the manuscript's second iteration. I was trying a different concept -- a poetry *yearbook*-- by adding occasional poems to the Spoon River inspired manuscript. These covered the first day of school, Halloween, the Talent Show, Pajama Day, Valentine's Day.  

Except THE LAST FIFTH GRADE eventually developed beyond the yearbook concept to an actual novel, complete with narrative arc. (Miss Hill's wacky fifth grade class must unite to stop the evil Board of Ed from demolishing their beloved school.)

Is "Pajama Day" still earning its place in the novel? Does it move the story forward or help develop the characters? Before I kill this darling, I'd love to get your feedback.

Candy hearts pajama pants from Amazon.

Pajama Day

By Jason Chen and Katie McCain

Oh, how we long for

the most relaxing

school day of the year.

On Pajama Day

our backpacks don’t feel

like they have extra gravity

from two tons of books.

They are jammed

with pillows and stuffed animals.

We skid down the hall

like penguins slipping on ice

because giant fuzzy slippers

and floor wax

are a dangerous combo.

Sparkling snowflakes,

roller skating elephants

and candy hearts cover the legs

of our fuzzy fleece pants.

For indoor recess

we get out our pillows

and write poems on the floor

(everyone laughs

when Mark starts to snore).

We love Pajama Day

because we

Zzzzzz.

Read about Tarra, the roller skating elephant.

Pros:

• It's about Pajama Day, one of the best days of the school year!
• The poem provides a breather after a series of serious, winter is dull, and "I'm feeling down" poems.
• The details are so yummy, I can feel my fuzzy fleece PJs calling to me.
• The poem marks a subtle transition in the love-hate friendship between Jason and Katie.
• Beta readers say the poem has elements of both character's voices.

Cons:

• "Pajama Day" is the only poem in the novel written in two voices, so it doesn't quite fit.
• The poem doesn't move the main narrative forward.
• It may be a little TOO yummy.
• Pretty sure it's a darling.

What do you think, fellow writers? Please leave a comment with your advice.

There are more posts in the Kill Your Darlings craft series here:

• Word Nerd (Kill Your Darlings 1), in which spelling bee champ Shelly gets the ax.
• Book Phantoms (Kill Your Darlings 2), in which horse-obsessed Maddie gallops off into the distance
• Joe Gets Cut from the Team (Kill Your Darlings 3), self-explanatory

Next up in the Kill Your Darlings series, we have a guest blogger!

MG author Elisabeth Dahl (Genie Wishes) is stopping by next week. She cut a major storyline from her novel before it was published. Elisabeth will give us all the crafty dirt about killing her darling.

Joe Gets Cut from the Team (Kill Your Darlings 3)

Writerly Friends, thank you for all your kind words about poor Madison Singleton. My horse-obsessed fifth grader is, after all, a minor character.

From http://horsetrainingguidance.com/

Much as we all love her (see last week's post), Maddie will remain a book phantom, like word nerd Sheldon before her.

I have only heard and read about what it feels like to be head over heels for horses when you're a kid, so I couldn't give Maddie fair shakes as anything more than a minor character, an ear, a BFF. Maddie will live on only in old drafts of my middle grade novel-in-verse, and in our memories. 

This week's Poetry Friday host is
Kathy at Merely Day by Day.

I hate to do it to you again, Tender Hearts, but this week's Poetry Friday post is third in my "Kill Your Darlings" series. Each post in the series features a poem or characters cut from my book.

It is now time to say goodbye to another of my favorite characters from THE LAST FIFTH GRADE OF EMERSON ELEMENTARY.

Most names in the book were carefully selected.

Joe is a star athlete and all around good guy. Even when he breaks his leg, he still coaches his fifth grade classmates in kickball. After all, everyone wants to beat the teachers in the traditional fifth grade vs. staff kickball game. Joe even has a secret, but what he doesn't have is any interest in school politics.

My ensemble of characters may be the only team that Joe's ever been cut from.

If you read the working blurb for  my book -- kind of like an expanded elevator pitch -- you'll see why I permanently benched Joe:

Bulldozers crouch outside Emerson Elementary, as if they long to eat the school in one gulp. It's up to fifth grade history buff George Furst and his friends to save the not-quite historic building from demolition. George has no clue how to organize a fifth grade full of crush-obsessed, experiment-exploding hamster haters into a protest, but unless he unites their class against the powerful Board of Education, George and his friends will be THE LAST FIFTH GRADE OF EMERSON ELEMENTARY.

With the click of a delete button, I erased Joe and the entire kickball game thread from my working draft.

I'm really sad about this one. I felt as if Joe's voice fit his poems well, not just in topic but also in form. Joe was the best concrete poem writer in Miss Hill's (imaginary) fifth grade class. What he didn't fit was the narrative arc of the story.

Let's meet Joe before he officially becomes a book phantom. Here are his four poems. As a minor character in the novel, Joe wrote one poem for each quarter of the school year (that's all Miss Hill required).

Lucky Hat
First Quarter Poem

The Poem I Found on My Cast

Second Quarter Poem

By Joe O’Day

Break a leg, man! Ha ha, Jay

Mary R♥se: Glad you’re okay.

Come back to kickball L from Katie

Suck it up! We need you, Sydney

Jason took my line, Dude (Ben)

Rajesh Rao: Feel better, friend!

This is Newton Mathews, Hi.

Thanks for letting me sign. Ty

Mark: Slow Joe? The end is near!

Super Ash was here

(This poem works a lot better when you are familiar with the cast (!) of characters in Miss Hill's class. Every fifth grader who signed Joe's cast made it into the final version of my novel.)

Like a Cheetah

Third Quarter Poem

By Joe O’Day

When I run, I’m like a cheetah,

a blur of muscles flying past.

Nothing can catch me, not even your eye.

Blink once – I’m gone.

When I kick, I’m a mule.

I’m stubborn and that ball WILL

go over the fence.

I can make it fly.

When I catch, I’m like a Rottweiler.

I jump, trap the ball, and hang on.

Don’t try to take nothing away from me.

I’m dangerous.

But when I’m in class, I’m like a horse

with saddle and reins.

I’ll go where you want. Do what you say.

And as soon as you let me loose

blink once – I’m gone.

From National Geographic.

(This poem is based on one of the poetry prompts I often use with elementary schoolers. You can read the lesson "Animals Are like Feelings" at this post.)

I'm sneaking in one kickball poem -- also cut -- about Joe, but written by a Keeper Character. I couldn't resist sharing this poem, because I love Jason's sense of humor.

Shoe Fly Pie

By Jason Chen

There once was a kicker named Joe

who could kick a home run in the snow.

You say you want proof?

Look! His shoe’s on the roof,

where it startled a really big crow.

(P. S. Too bad, this poem has no pie in it.)

Just as in Spoon River Anthology, the poems in my novel have a way of talking to one another. Characters reveal things about themselves, but also about their classmates. Events are described from more than one point of view.

Blue Ribbon Poem

Fourth Quarter Poem

The Field Day plot line was cut, along with the kid vs. teacher kickball game.
THE LAST FIFTH GRADE is more focused, concentrating on a class
that stands up to the Board of Education, and what consequences
that has for them as individuals and as a group.

Let's all tip our baseball caps as we say goodbye to Joe.

Writerly Friends, do you have any stories of characters loved and lost? Please share in your comments. Or, better yet, sign up to guest post about the poem, character, or plot you cut. I'm looking for a few good bloggers to feature in the Kill Your Darlings series.

Last, I'm glad so many of you thought that THE BOOK PHANTOMS would make a great novel. That's my next writing project, in the planning stages now! I'm so excited about this idea. Look for a YA speculative fiction novel about a character who won't let herself be deleted without a fight. Her teenage would-be author won't know what hit him (but it might be a  meat cleaver. Long story.) Let's just hope this book doesn't take me another five years.